skin and song of the day:

☆ skin: wolf's rain - cheza blue
☆ song: rapp - vaincre ou mourir ～誇り高きナイトメア～br>

warning: this post discusses topics like sickness and mental health, and mentions eating disorders and self harm. if you're sensitive to those topics please skip it!

so i get this thing a lot where people assume stuff about me because generally, what i post about online is stuff that makes me happy. i cant blame anyone for assuming i'm living this happy, carefree, worriless and struggle-less life because the only things i talk about are going out to eat and on trips with my friends. it definitely seems like i live a good life-- because i do! i am so thankful to have the privileges i do: i am mobile and in a good spot in my life where i have an awesome family and friend group, a good job with my coworker besties, a fiancee and a house and our animals, and hobbies that fulfill me. and i really only talk about these things because, well, i'm happy! and those are the things that make me happy!

but just because i mostly talk about the fun stuff doesn't mean i don't have to deal with a variety of dumb things ive been diagnosed with. i feel like i fought for this happiness for a long time, and i don't like people saying stuff like "omg i wish i was neurotypical and could just be like you". it just gives me a sour taste in my mouth.

i'm a chronically ill person, as much as i hate to admit it, most people who hang out with me irl know i have to live by a pretty strictly regimented diet and lifestyle in order to function. i have MCAS- mast cell activation syndrome, which means i have extreme allergic reactions to things at random times, even things i'm not really "allergic" to, can trigger random reactions. this is in addition to having actual life threatening allergies, mainly to avocados and latex tree fruits such as bananas, mangoes, kiwis, strawberries, and plums. the list of things i'm allergic to is extensive and ranges from walnuts to grass, but needless to say i feel like i'm always walking on the blade of a knife in terms of having a severe allergic reaction and going into anaphylactic shock, which has happened to me a handful of times and is terrifying every time because i could just. die from allergies.

i'm also have a thimerosal allergy, which means i'm allergic to the flu vaccine. you cannot IMAGINE how much this sucks. i also had an allergic reaction when i got the fuckin covid vaccine (i did it in order to see BTS permission to dance in LA lmao) which involved me getting an epipen in my ass on the floor in the smiths pharmacy which was insane and sucked. this is why i've only gotten the vaccine once even though a lot of updated shots have come out, and this is basically why i've had covid six times and get the flu a lot. because i literally cannot be vaccinated for it. and i have no idea if these reactions are genuine allergic or just related to MCAS. oh yeah, i'm also allergic to PENICILLIN. which is the life saving antibiotic that treats just about any type of infection. so yeah that's also poop because i have to do alternative antibiotics SOME OF WHICH I ALSO END UP BEING ALLERGIC TO LOL.

the other big one that i'm allergic to is phenoxyethanol. i was hospitalized for this in 2017 and almost died because i was being slowly poisoned with it, fun fact lmao. it's a synthetic preservative used in beauty products and virtually fucking everything ever as an alternative to meythlparaben. this is why i have to be extremely picky and can't use random shampoos/face wash/makeup etc, because it makes me... die. like my hair will fall out, i get a rash on my face and my skin peels off, my stomach curdles and i will literally shit my pants if i ingest it lol. i have to use extremely specific brands of everything that don't use phenoxyethanol in their products, which is hard because it's seen as a "safe" ingredient and used in a lot of organic makeup and skincare. has anyone who hangs out with me ever wondered why i ALWAYS bring my own body wash, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, etc on trips, and never use the ones provided in hotels? or why i carry my own hand soap around and use that instead in public restrooms? or why my makeup always looks the same? yup, it's cause there's phenoxyethanol in everything. i can only use one brand of makeup that i get online (100 percent pure), ever. i don't get variety in my looks because otherwise i could be hospitalized again or mayhaps die! most people have never even heard of this so rest assured- IT IS ASS.

in addition to all these allergies and MCAS, i also have interstitial cystitis (IC), which means my body reacts to random things (mostly foods) by giving me the symptoms of a UTI. i have this under control with dietary restrictions and taking a supplement called d-mannose (BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO CRANBERRIES LOL). i also have EDS (ehlers-danlos syndrome) but a fairly minor form of it, it doesn't impede me from doing a lot of stuff but my joints are absolutely wack, i scar extremely easily, i'm hyperflexible, and my skin is very stretchy. i stretched my ears to half an inch in literally 4 months because my EDS just makes my skin do that shit. for the record it should usually take multiple years to stretch your ears that much but hey!! a little bonus for me i guess!!

all of this is a headache to say the least! most people who eat with me irl know i have to be super careful to avoid foods that could send me to the hospital or just flat out kill me, and i have to take very stupid steps to constantly mitigate symptoms of the combinations of this chronic shit.

on top of these, i have crippling emetophobia (fear of vomiting) that basically controls my life. i can't burp, i have panic attacks when i feel nauseous, and i am completely incapable of going places like disneyland or six flags (even though i'm really interested in going on rides) because i am petrified of watching or hearing someone throw up. my lifetime of emetophobia also DIRECTLY led to my developing OCD, and i will stand by this fact til the day i die. a lot of people think OCD is being a "neat freak" and washing your hands a lot, or having to have your pencils all lined up by color or some stupid shit like that. for me personally, OCD is the strange behaviors i have that are spurred on by intrusive thoughts. it sounds so stupid but my brain is always saying shit like "if you eat that cake wrong you will throw up and die" or something akin to this, usually much more complicated. i'm constantly plagued by these thoughts of accidentally killing myself or my family by doing actions wrong or out of order. and i have horrible intrusive thoughts about killing my friends and family ALL THE TIME.

i'm just being super open about this because intrusive thoughts suck so much ass and the only way to normalize OCD is to just flat out say it. i hate when people are like "omg im so ocd" about organizing shit when my brain is going a million miles a minute saying "you should kill and eat your cat. if you dont drink water and take 3 ibuprofen right now (????) you will definitely end up killing your cat. and if you dont walk to the right you're going to kill and eat him today and you should boil him in a pot of water and kill him you should kill your cat and jump off a bridge." LIKEEEE that sounds so insane and deranged but its literally my internal monologue lol. and its always VIOLENT. its never like "if you dont drink water.... maybe you will see a butterfly!" its always about shit like murder and it makes me feel so insane!!

i also have c-ptsd. and i only got this diagnosed in 2021, like i went MY WHOLE LIFE with therapists telling me i can't sleep and feeling like im looking at myself through a glass window because "i have anxiety". when it turned out to be ptsd the whole time lol. i don't even feel like going into this or the origins of it or what havoc it has wrought upon my life but it has just been. an absolute catastrophe getting a diagnosis so late. i wish i knew many years ago what this was and how it could develop.

also in the slot of "stuff i have but don't feel like detailing", i have struggled with anorexia since the age of 13. it has felt like a cancer to me my whole life that never goes aways and distorts my whole worldview and it's compounded by my food allergies. i denied having an ED my entire life because i was always like "well im still eating" even though my 'eating' consisted of eating two chocolate bars a day for like a year lol. on top of ALL THIS BULLSHIT, i also struggled with a 10 year addiction to self harm. self harm was originally a way for me to let off stress and 'punish myself' for being mentally fucked up, but it quickly spiraled into a psychological addiction and i would just self harm daily for no reason other than the fact that i was simply addicted to it, just like people get addicted to food/drugs/etc. like there was no reasoning. it was chronic and yeah. i don't feel like detailing it because idk i just dont want to type it all out lol, maybe i'll go into all this more someday.

ANYWAY. so there's this plethora of things: anorexia and cutting/self harm, PTSD and OCD, emetophobia, allergies, MCAS, IC, EDS... oh and a random atrial fibrillation that doesn't really do anything and my doctor said "its fine" and isnt dangerous so it's just there being annoying. it doesn't really affect my life though. sent to the psych ward, shuttled to the hospital for cutting my leg too deep, attempted suicide because of all this shit a handful of times, can't get vaccines, OH AND I HAVE FUCKING AUTISM. AND I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL WAY LATER IN LIFE because everyone was always like "you're too normal looking to be one of those autistic kids". i shit you not. some of the SHIT people have said to me about various things- about the validity of my illnesses since they're all invisible and i look "normal", about my self harm scars, about the way i act because the PTSD desensitizes me, about me being crazy because of the intrusive thoughts, being told i should be locked up, just... all this stuff.

do you see why i mostly only focus on the stuff that makes me happy?? KSJDKSGJKKK if i focused mainly on my plethora of issues i would be so miserable, and i have been in the past. i felt like there was no escape (there isnt lol) and have tried to end my life because of that. but thanks to years of therapy with a VERY GOOD therapist, intense eating disorder therapy with a specialist, medical intervention, and having my fucking brain reprogrammed with EMDR therapy for most of 2021 (i genuinely cant recommend EMDR enough and i credit it with saving my life and making me mostly normal in society today) i have mostly just learned that these things are all part of me that i have to live with forever.

at the end of the deadpool & wolverine movie, they tell wolverine that the horrible trauma and life bullshit he has lived through has made him who he is today- the hero of the story. i think that's a good metaphor for how i think of it now. it's not really a metaphor and is pretty overt lol. the bullshit i've been through has made me into the person i am today, in addition to the therapy and medical intervention i've received for those things. i live with this as my everyday- i don't think super hard about the fact that i have to avoid certain foods and take all these supplements and can only wear certain makeup and have these crazy thoughts, because it's just part of my average day to day. i feel like i have learned to live with this stuff and i have been given tools by therapists and medical professionals to mitigate symptoms and self-coach myself out of negative thoughts and headspaces that make me spiral. i genuinely hope to be like wolverine and be the hero. like that motherfucker is so traumatized and has so much going on mentally but he's also got sick claws that come out of his hands and he's got a wacky ass boyfriend and an adoptive family lmao!! and he's just living his life despite the absolute ASS hand in life he has been dealt.

when people ask me what my goals and ambitions are, they might seem disappointed that i'm not like. one of those people who wants to own my own business or have their art put in a museum or something. they think of me like i'm not aiming high, or that i'm unambitious and complacent. but really, when i look at the fucking batshit crazy things that have happened to me throughout my life and the things i've overcome in terms of my mental and physical health, i can't help but feel like i'm the most ambitious person ever. LIVING-- and living a whole, genuine, fun life, in the face of my trauma and illness-- is BY FAR the most ambitious thing i've ever achieved. i feel like i'm at the top of mount everest every morning when i wake up. here i am, conquering everything against all odds, continuing to LIVE FREELY and HAVE FUN despite it all. i am here choosing to enjoy life instead of ending it. as long as i feel like i'm the hero in my own right, by enjoying life and the time i've been given by being happy with my friends and family, having fun and making the most of every day and enjoying my fandoms and hobbies, and being kind and forgiving and loving my neighbor, then i feel like i'm living every day in the last five minutes of the deadpool & wolverine movie perpetually. i'm just here to enjoy life. i'm doing it against all odds, after all!!!!

so yeah, when you see me talking about all the stuff that makes me happy, and the trips i'm going on, the food i'm eating, the silly activities i get to do with my fiancee like making bracelets and dyeing their hair, just know that a lot of work went into getting to the point where i'm able to just enjoy things. and know that work goes into it every day. i actively have to fight this shit on the daily lol. it might not always be pretty and there are always bad days, but i'm going against every instinct i have to just live and enjoy every day. that's enough for me. and i wish that for everyone. i hope you can enjoy each day despite your hardships, too.

and i'm going to end this like a news article and say if you're struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm, there is always help. call or text 988 if you feel like you're in danger, because your happiness and safety is worth it. the world is better with you in it. no matter what your struggle is, help is there, and happiness is attainable. AND I LOVE YOU. OKAY THIS IS THE END OF THE ONE SERIOUS POST I MAKE EVERY 5 YEARS BYE ILY.